Being a freelance musician is wild. Currently, I sub in a number of groups in a number of cities in Southeast Georgia and in Florida. There are pros and cons to subbing, but that’s not the topic of the day, that’s soon though! Today- it’s the Freelancer Fog. Let’s define that!
Freelancer Fog
Freelancer Fog: not remembering exactly where or when a piece of music was performed (or taught) last. One may realize they do know the piece, but are unfamiliar with the ensemble they are playing with or the student group they are coaching. Therefore, the piece and experience feels new yet familiar all at the same time.
Synonym: musical amnesia
Starting Out
When I first started out as a freelance musician I strictly played violin. At that time I was primarily gigging in Georgia. Eventually, I added viola. So, my memories and playing experiences span roughly 15 years, two instruments, many orchestras, and many chamber ensembles. When I first started out, I remembered exactly where I played and what I played. My biggest challenge was remembering if I played first or second violin…but now, it all kind of smooshes together.
Jumping Ahead to Now
This week I’m playing with a Symphony in Florida (viola). And I KNOW I’ve played and/or taught the repertoire before, but I can’t remember which pieces I played on violin, which I played on viola, and what city or state it was in. It’s all kind of symphony soup at this point. I call this phenomenon Freelancer Fog. It’s like, I know I’ve done it…but with what group?
This whole week I’ve thought–have I just taught the viola part to the Barber or did I play it somewhere? Was it even on viola?
I don’t share this to say that I have a bad memory, I actually have an annoyingly good memory. Freelancing just gets foggy.
The Fog is Common
Freelancer fog is pretty common actually. Freelancers play with a lot of different groups over periods of time and usually have more than one job going on. It gets difficult to remember exactly which group played what when.
The other thing that throws a wrench in my memory is a decade of teaching in Texas preparing students for Texas All-State. Jeez louise…that music is no joke. There have been moments in my career where I’ve thought…did I perform this or did I just teach it all summer to my Texas Region and All-State auditionters? What summer was it? Is this real life? IYKYK
Why We Remember
Now, sometimes an experience is so great or so traumatic that I remember exactly where and when I was. I cannot remember how many times I’ve played Tchaikovsky Symphony No. 4…but I do know that the most memorable time was when I played it in the summer of 2007 in Aspen, CO with the Aspen Festival Orchestra. T’was a really rough experience. If you were in that orchestra and played violin, I bet you remember it too!
That rehearsal cycle overshadowed any other playing of that piece for me for literal decades. It was traumatic and I was playing first violin. If I never play first violin on Tchaik 4 ever again, it will be too soon. Just kidding, if you need a first violinist on that piece, I’d do it again. Perhaps it could be redeemed!
Freelancing and Familiarity
At the moment, there is not one group I play with more frequently than another. I’ve only lived in Jacksonville for a little over a year. So for me, everything is new, but the rep and the process are familiar even if I don’t remember where I played it last.
This week I’ve been thinking about the pros and cons of not remembering exactly where I played what. Maybe it’s a good thing. It’s this comfort of knowing that I know the music and that it is familiar. What is unfamiliar is the group I’m playing with. Recognizing that helps me a lot. It doesn’t really matter because the music is the same. So while I may not know exactly what the conductor or other musicians may do in a particular ensemble that I’m playing with, the music doesn’t really change, and there is a comfort to that.
Everytime I play a work I’ve played before it is somehow familiar and new all at the same time because I’m playing it somewhere new.
I may not be able to accurately recall the last time I played a particular overture or piano concerto, but I can lean into the familiarity of knowing it was done in the past and this week is just this week. Next week it will be something new and familiar all at the same time again.
